You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
