Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
