My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
