ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
