One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I need moral support for this bender
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
