Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
