new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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