I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
