Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
