why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
no, he came in my armpit
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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