Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
