you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
