she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
