Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
