Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
