Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
