i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
