can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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