I could have mohawked her pubes.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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