just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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