So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
