When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i've created a new STD.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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