I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
