Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
