I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
