just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
