I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
