oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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