but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
