We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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