Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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