Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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