You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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