I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
