I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
