I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
