1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
