So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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