Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
