the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
