bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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