My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
