A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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