So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
