Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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