It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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