then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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