Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
