and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
