My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
