Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
